This was originally posted February 26, 2010.
I deal with suicidal, unipolar depression and I take medication daily to treat it. Over the past seven years, I’ve had two episodes that were severe and during which I thought almost exclusively of suicide. I did not eat much and lost weight during…
Disappointment
Being disappointed is pretty bad but being disappointing is hell.
disappointing
Pronunciation:/dɪsəˈpɔɪntɪŋ/
adjective
failing to fulfil someone’s hopes or expectations:
http://oxforddictionaries.com/definition/disappointing?q=disappointingI feel that most of the time I’m full of potential, potential to take over the world, to achieve what ever I could possibly want but the truth is I never will because I’m scared. Talking the talk is all well and good but that’s all I’ve got. My motivation just isn’t there, I’m not entirely sure where it is (my stomach probably). I’m impulsive, I don’t really think things through which lands me in all sort of trouble, which leads to ‘disappointing’.
Being disappointing is not a pleasant feeling, letting someone down or even letting yourself down just creates a spiral of loathing which doesn’t help matters in the long term because you will never be able to motivate yourself.
I get by in life ambling along, doing what I can, narrowly avoiding disasters where and when I can but there’s only so much dodging I can do, one day it’s going to catch up and hit me hard. Who knows, maybe by then I will have some font of motivation I can draw from but that’s not looking likely so maybe I just need to stop aspiring to be something I will never be. Dreams are fine but you must remember they are only dreams.
Nerves, excitement and toothbrushes
Nearly at Euston and the millions of butterflies that have been doing a conga in my stomach since 4:30am have just discovered the Irish Jig.
I am very excited about this potential job and want it so much, hence the nerves but I also like to think if I don’t get it there’s always next time. Queasiness has set in and I hope it doesn’t stay that pale green hue and clammy forehead look isn’t great for interviews.
I’ve not prepped ready prepared answers as I’m not a robot and I want my answers to be honest so I’ve looked at example questions and just thought very hard about what make me unique, other than my crazy accent.
Going through things in my head has also made me realise a few things such as why I do what I do and what job satisfaction I get from the shows I work on.
As I’ve been travelling all morning and sleeping on the train which I do apologise for to all the passengers on the 04:28 Glasgow - Euston. I’m not an attractive sleeper, snoring, mouth hanging wide open, drooling and possible twitching. I am aware that brushing my teeth at 3:30am is a long time ago and there’s nothing worse than second morning breath so first job find a boots and get me a toothbrush and toothpaste. Wow I must really want this job.
Now to continue gazing out the window and act nonchalant as though I make this trip to the big smoke all the time daaarhling. :)
When stage managers cut their own hair…
My new hair, now you see it, oh wait shit, now you don’t.
If you don’t know me too well then this photo won’t shock you too much, but it you do know me then it might be a little weird. Where has all my hair gone?
I confess my hair is not in fact this short, it is still very long but I have gone and given myself a hair cut and as a result I’ve been trying to work out how short I should go.
I work in the theatre and for a number of different shows now the performers have all had hair cuts paid for by the company, I know, I know it’s for their character etc, but still, I don’t even get a blacks allowance (which is probably why I’m hardly ever in full blacks)
I’ve jested this past week with my company and moaned about there not being a budget for the lowly SM to receive a haircut. Surely the SM must at least look presentable and my split ends were shocking let me tell you! But alas no budget appeared (and I don’t think one ever will unless a show requires me to be a skinhead) but my director promised if the show made any money he would pay for me to get my hair cut (he’s nice like that).
BUT enter the amazingness that is my producer and she gives me this top tip.
Lean forward, comb all your hair into a point and then cut the point off and voila, long layers.
So filled with bravado from a red wine hangover this morning I gave it a go and do you know what, it didn’t look too shabby. So off I went this morning and there were no looks of horror as I passed by so I became a little more adventurous tonight and chopped off another whack. Now I may have gone too far and my layers are really long, but it looks healthier no doubt.
The more I look at the above photo, the more I think, hmm maybe a bob is the way forward, but I would have to go and get that done professionally. For now I think I’m happy with cutting my own hair as now I will save £27 a year (I know ladies, shocking I only ever cut my hair once a year possibly even longer than that before today!) so that’s an extra meal out a year I can treat myself to instead.
Below is the length my hair really is just now, and who needs ageing creams when you can take a photo using Photo Booth and automatically you look 12!
If theatre fails, maybe I could do hairdressing? Okay, maybe not :)
Simply beautiful
laughingsquid:
I wish I had a voice like hers, amazing.
So sweet!
